God Car

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind but now I see."

The Holy Spirit's relationship with me since I became an adult has been incredible. I want to share about it over a series of posts. Let me start with my God car. 

I had always loved to drive even though I lived in the city for four years. Almost exactly two years ago, I started to feel different behind the wheel. On an hour drive to my aunt's house, I had to pull over and sleep twice. On a two hour trip to a wedding, I got lost, felt as though I was going to puke while going over a bridge, and scraped the van against the side of a building. 

A few minutes after the van incident happened, I ducked into the bathroom at my friend's house, where I was eating, and screamed silently into the mirror. I had an anxiety edge that had been there so often in me that past year that I brushed it off as the norm. All I needed to do was breathe a little and go back to the people. So I did that and prepared to drive home. Once again, in the middle of the day, I had to pull off and sleep on a relatively short trip. 

Two weeks later, my sister and I had planned another road trip to New York. I had to make her do all the driving because I just couldn't focus. When we got back, I drove my parents' car to work and drove it into a pole while parking. 

The van scrape and the pole produced no injury and minor damage, but after the pole, I could not stop shaking the whole day. When my work day was over, I drove the two miles over to my mom's school and barely made it because I was shaking so hard. I started to go into breathr, scream silently and cope mode. The Holy Spirit stopped me. "Go inside and tell your mom you are having a panic attack,"  He said. 

Too scared to disobey or doubt, I got out of the car. Mom was heading right toward me. "Mom, I am having a panic attack." Mom sat with me in the back seat while dad, who was a teacher at the same school, drove home. It was like having fear contractions. I'd be calm for a few moments, then be unbearably afraid, then be calm again. During the fear, I would squeeze my mom's hand just as hard as if I'd been in labor. 

It was the tipping point. "Mom," I said when we were home, "I can't drive anymore." And I cried because I was so helpless. 

At first, I carpooled because I was too afraid to take the city bus. Then as the bricks from the fear wall were taken off one by one, I could take the bus to work on my own. And all that time, I went to work every day and inwardly imploded everywhere else. I thought, How is it possible to feel this tired so early? How cme I never have enough tears? How is it possible to not have enough energy to sing in church? How am I  afraid of so many things I never used to fear? Are all my worst fears true? 

I needed the Holy Spirit. I could not get Him by striving or searching or calling out. I was too weak to look. I needed Him to push back. I needed Him to act first. I needed Him to look for me. And He did push back because He's real. What I wanted to be true, really was true. The Holy Spirit was the rescuer. I was the rescued. I couldn't be both parts. While my body was shaking on my bed, He would take control of my mouth and sing over me and speak soothingly to my spirit, even though the panic attack kept going. 

The Holy Spirit was carrying me out of deep waters. He used my parents, my siblings, a Christian counselor, a wonderful support group, medication and good friends to help Him in His work. As He got me into shallower waters of fear, He used my God car. In March, while on my daily bus ride, I passed a Suzuki dealership. The Holy Spirit pointed at this adorable, light blue hatchback. "That's your car," He said. 

Crazy talk, I thought. 

But the next day, He said it again. And the next day. And the next. Finally, I called up the dealer and said I wanted to come in. When I got there, I asked about the blue hatchback, which was still on the lot. He said he had sold it five minutes before. I had started driving again once in a while a few months before knowing the biggest waves of panic attacks had played themselves out of my system.  I test drove a black car of the same make and model, thinking I could buy that one. But the Holy Spirit wasn't having it. He wanted me to have the blue one, the "vapor blue" one, (as I found out was its actual color). So, he took me home, told me to go online and search for another vapor blue, 2009 Suzuki SX4. He showed me one in New Hampshire, 100 miles away. 

Well my parents had the same reaction I first did when I pointed to the car on the website. Crazy talk. 

After a few days and some coaxing, mom and I made our way to New Hampshire for a test drive. A week later, I was driving the car home, with my dad following behind me. Little did I know (because it was a God car) that it came with a GPS, great speakers, a sun roof, a 6 cd-changer and removable seats.  A few months later, the Holy Spirit led me to a better paying job, so the payments fit even more affordably into my budget.  

And that car helped in the healing process as much as anything because with it, God gave me back my independence. And now I get to use it to bless other people, like, for example, by taking them to church. Plus, God now uses Suzuki SX4s to remind me that he's with me. God did I do everything you wanted me to do today? I'll pray. And, Zoom! A vapor blue Suzuki SX4 will drive right by me on the highway. 

So the verse of this Holy Spirit song is simple: I once had panic attacks and could not drive, but now I have a God car.